Thanksgiving is a time of fellowship, feasting, gluttony, football and drunkenness. There’s a Rockwellian image we put over the holiday that has the same brainwashing effect that the chemical that makes women forget how horrible childbirth is has and, year after year, we do it again, forever trying to make it perfect.
We know that many people honestly do enjoy this particular holiday; indeed, it is hard to resist because harvest festivals are ingrained in our ancestral memories. Unfortunately, not everyone enjoys the traditional Thanksgiving customs. Indeed, for many of us introverted creative types, it isn’t pleasant at all.
Last night on Haunted Nights LIVE!, our guest, New York Times bestselling writer, Douglas Clegg, joined in on our Top 13 List. Since Thanksgiving is around the corner, we decided to think of thirteen ways we could have more fun while stuck at a big family feast.
- Have a Binge and purge contest.
- Put ex-lax in the gravy (as long as you’re at someone else’s house).
- LSD in the apple cider.
- Instead of football, watch porn! Everybody! Kids, too! And Grandma!
- Get more imaginative with your stuffing. We suggest these ingredients: 1. Candy corn, vodka, lettuce and spaghetti noodles.
- (From Douglas Clegg) – Serve Turducken Surprise. Turducken is duck inside a turkey, which is great, but take it a few steps further. Put a quail inside the duck, and inside the quail, a mouse, and inside the mouse, a roach, and inside the roach, a tapeworm. To make it perfect, find someone you don’t like and put them on the outside of the turkey.
7. Put Wild Turkey in the turkey. While it’s still alive. Then offer it to Uncle Festus. You know what he’ll do with it.
8.Start a fight. (It’s likely to happen anyway; you might as well take control). Though we don’t condone physical confrontations most of the time, on Thanksgiving, it’s a must. Slapping someone in the neck with slice of ham ought to get things moving.
9. Add just a few grains of rice to the cranberry sauce and mention that the dog has tapeworms.
10. Announce you’re pregnant and one of the guests is the father. Then simply put your face in your hands and break down. As a side note, you do not necessarily have to be female to pull this off
11. Just as dinner is about to be served, announce that you’ve gone green this year and all the food tonight is recycled.
12. Leave festive little Thanksgiving towels spread on each chair and as the guests are about to be seated at the table, announce that your theme this year is “A Natural Thanksgiving” and start stripping.
13. After everyones’ coats have been left on the bed, start scratching and say you’re pretty sure you have a bedbug infestation
14. Finally, if you’ve tried everything else, and Thanksgiving still sucks, tell the guests you just got your period and it’s a doozy and you need to be excused for the rest of the day. Again, gender is not an issue here.
And there you have it. From our dark crypts to yours, we wish you a festive feast and happy shopping afterwards. And speaking of the holidays, we’ll soon be announcing the release of our Christmas installment of The Ghosts of Ravencrest, which takes place in England in the late 1800s. Join the Manning ancestors as they visit the Frost Fair on the Thames and celebrate Christmas at old Ravencrest, making merry even as death and darkness – and ghosts of the past – close in.